Original: After that we drove down to the main street and walked around. We went to the chocolate shoppe where there was a bunch of different foods that were covered in chocolate. My sister got a pretzel covered in chocolate, my mom got some fudge balls, and I got a huge chunk of fudge.
Revised: After that we drove to the main street and parked a few blocks away from the Chocolate Shoppe. They had everything you could imagine covered in chocolate. My sister bought a pretzel covered in chocolate, my mom bought some fudge balls, and I got a huge chunk of fudge. Mt sister ate her pretzel quickly while my mom ate her fudge balls slowly sharing with my dad, sister, and I. I had a few bites of the fudge but it made me feel sick to my stomach so i threw it away after no one else wanted it.
I had my mom read through it and tell me what she thought about it, what she liked, and what i could fix. She said that i should put more detail into what happened after the Chocolate Shoppe. I think this helped my memoir because it helped clear up any holes that there might have been and it made it more detailed.
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